Kiss caviar goodbye. Forget ice sculptures, pricey party favors, designer invites and lavish flower arrangements.
Newly frugal Americans are downsizing every type of personal celebration, from baby showers to graduations to funerals. But how low can you go?
One recent post on the Women in Red message board about "recession weddings" described a wedding in a park, catered by . . . a taco vendor. Some guests didn't appreciate it.
A (not-so) grand affair
Given this rotten recession, it's only natural that spending is down dramatically.Weddings: The average amount spent on weddings has dropped to the lowest level in a decade, according to The Wedding Report, an industry research company. Spending dropped from $29,000 in 2007 to about $22,000 in 2008. As of April, the typical tab was about $19,000. (See "A fabulous wedding for under $5,000.")
Parties: Although it's difficult to track graduation celebrations, birthday parties, bar mitzvahs and the like, member surveys by the National Association of Catering Executives suggest that other deluxe affairs have also declined.
"I would say that business is down about 10 to 30%," says Greg Casella, the association's president and the operator of Catering Too in San Jose, Calif. "People are planning the same number of events, but they're not as lavish."
According to a 2009 survey of the association's members, 60% say clients are cutting back on meals, Champagne toasts, novelty drinks and other bells and whistles.
Funerals: Cremations, which typically cost thousands less than burials, have been rising steadily for years, but "preliminary data show there is going to be a slightly higher bump owing to the recession," says Dennis Werner, a board member of the Cremation Association of North America, or CANA.
As of 2007, about 35% of deaths were followed by cremation; CANA projects that number will be 40% in 2010. Cremation rates vary widely by state.
The National Funeral Directors Association is reporting an increase in requests for credit and financing options. Limos and big floral arrangements are out; personal touches (more meaningful, less expensive) are in, spokeswoman Jessica Koth says.
"People are conscious of the money they're spending," she says. (See "Plan a funeral for $800 or less.")
Good for guests' wallets, too?
This has its advantages. It can be a relief to shrug off some of the social pressure to put on a big bash, points out Alyson Palmer, a New York musician and the founder of the rock group Betty.Palmer applauded when a friend found creative ways to throw a dazzling kids birthday party -- packed with cheap but fun treats from discount stores. "It cost her half of what most kids parties add up to these days," says Palmer, who, like many parents, chafes at the high price of such celebrations.
And given that the price of any event tends to affect how much both guests and hosts will spend, scaling back can be a win-win. Nancy Munro, a consultant in West Palm Beach, Fla., and a member of the Women in Red, came to that conclusion. When Munro's husband retired in February, she wrestled with her own desire to make it a special occasion with a capital $.
"I really wanted to have a big party at a fancy restaurant," Munro says. "But in all fairness, we have friends who are retired and on fixed incomes, or unemployed, self-employed, or they just don't have a lot extra."
Mindful of not just her own expense but how it might affect loved ones, she threw a more informal party at a friend's house, after spending days cooking all the food. "It was the longest week of my life. But I saved money and kept my friends," Munro says.
Taking it too far
Socializing and economizing have never been comfortable bedfellows, however, so it's no surprise that when people try to get creative, there are some mishaps.Some party guests on the Women in Red message board grumble that hosts are using the economy as an excuse to be cheap. On the other hand, there's not cheap enough.
Karen, a writer in New York, who preferred not to give her full name, was shocked when a friend invited her to a birthday dinner at an upscale restaurant -- then asked guests to each contribute $100 toward the evening.
"She wouldn't have been able to treat everyone, even if it weren't a recession," Karen says. "But it seemed especially inappropriate to ask people to pay $100 each, right now."
It also seemed odd, given that the woman's husband had been laid off recently. "They could have downsized it, had a cocktail party at their house and not charged anyone a dime."
Anna Post, the great-great-granddaughter of etiquette maven Emily Post, would agree.
"It's OK to bend the rules, to change tradition; that's how they get created in the first place," says Post, the author of "Do I Have to Wear White? Emily Post Answers America's Top Wedding Questions."
"But if by breaking with tradition you're going to make your guests or someone close to you uncomfortable, then you need to think twice."
New rules of the road
A modern-thinking etiquette expert, Post notes that the point of etiquette is to allow behavior to change while keeping basic principles intact. Her advice for today:- Put people first. What are you most likely to remember from your wedding? The hand-engraved napkin holders or that your favorite people were there to share it with you? Post suggests cutting extras like the flower budget and party favors if it allows important guests attend.
"At the end of the day, the celebration of any event is a chance to share a moment, to be happy with those we love," she says.
- Tell guests what to expect. People's expectations are often fixed in advance. So you might have to help them adjust.
If you're having a potluck wedding, for example -- a money saver Post says is becoming more popular -- be considerate enough to outline the event to guests. Be clear about what's expected: "We'll provide the barbecue, and we're asking everyone to bring a side or dessert."
- Be a gracious guest. If you're invited to a social occasion and it's clear that the hosts are trying to cut back, your job is to appreciate the event, not criticize the fact that the bubbly was served in plastic cups instead of glass.
"It's not tacky if a host uses plastic; it's tacky if the guests are critical or snarky when their host is economizing," Post says. "And it misses the point of the day entirely."
- Be honest about what you can afford. Many occasions seem to require that guests brings gifts or flowers. What do you do when you can't afford a token of affection? Miss Manners' stance is that gifts are never an obligation. Post suggests that people be mindful of the traditional expectation -- in their family, their geographical area, their social set.
If you bend the rules by giving only a card or small gift, "just understand that someone's feelings might be hurt," Post says. But a simple "I'm sorry it couldn't be more" should help. It is, after all, a recession.
I was inspired by the wedding story of Kimberly Spellman, a Women in Red member who lives in Houston. She and her fiancé had only a few hundred dollars to spend, and with $125 dress from Craigslist, a $30 wedding cake and mainly family in attendance, they kept their wedding's price tag to $577, she says.